Today is Easter Sunday. I was not looking forward to this day, for one reason or another. I just simply was not looking forward to it. It's been a rough couple of weeks. For a while there, I felt like Nathan and I were handing things well. I felt like I had a grip on life, and like I was going to be okay. And then I got angry, and sad, and life just became really, really painful. I was tired of hurting. I didn't want to be positive any more. I didn't want to do the right thing, feel the right thing, say the right thing, or care about anything.
I was angry that my little girl is going to die.
I honestly didn't want to write any blog posts, because I strive to be very honest in these, and I didn't want people to know how angry and hurt I was. I'd kept it together so well up until this point. I almost felt like I was doing something wrong by being angry (even though I know anger is a completely normal stage in the grieving process), and I didn't want to admit how utterly, miserably, angry and hurt I was.
A week after Ayden's diagnosis, Nathan's mom, Jean, gave me a CD. It's an amazing CD, by Lauren Daigle, called How Can it Be. The lyrics on every single song are incredible, the artist has an amazing voice, and it has been something that has really helped me keep my mind in check these last few months. My favorite song is track 3, a song called Trust in You. That song really spoke to me, as it talks about how God doesn't always move the mountains we ask Him to move, or part the waters for us. Essentially, it talks about trusting God even when we don't understand why we don't get the miracles we are praying for. There's also a line in it that says "there's not a place that I go, where you have not already stood." This line meant a lot to me, as it helped remind me that there is nothing I'm going to face where God isn't already going to be. He already knows, He already has a plan, He is already there. I have listened to nothing other than this CD when I'm in my car ever since it was given to me. I also downloaded it onto my phone and my tablet, so even if I'm not in my car, I can listen to it (which I frequently do). Nathan has been a great sport about tolerating the same 12 songs over and over and over for the last two and a half months (more like 10 songs, because I always skip number 11 and 12). Well, when I started to get angry, I turned off the CD. I tried listening to the radio, but all the songs made me mad. So I just drove for a few days in silence. There was one night I was coming home from some Young Life event, and I mentally yelling at God. I let Him know how stupid I thought my situation was, how I was angry, thought it was unfair, and that I was specifically mad at Him, because He is fully capable of healing my baby girl, and there was really just no reason for me to even be in the situation I'm in. Then I told Him I still trust Him, even though I think He is being stupid, and I wasn't happy about trusting him, but I did. Then I told Him I'm not turning the CD back on yet, because the first track of the CD is a song called I Want You First, talking about putting God first, above all other things. I was also not wanting to trust him, so I didn't want to hear track number 3 either. Well, I was mad at God and want to put Ayden first, so I wasn't going to listen to the CD. But I told God I'd compromise, and listen to 88.1, the Christian radio station. It's not like God really cares that much about what I'm listening to on the radio. I'm pretty sure He didn't care that I wasn't listening to the CD. But boy, that was my way of really sticking it to Him. Gee, I showed Him, didn't I? Wow, I can be so dumb. Anyways, I turned the radio on, angrily, to hear a song none other than Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle. Track #3. Right at the part of the song that says "there's not a place that I go, that you've not already stood." I. Was. So. Irritated.
Fine God, have it your way. Remind me that you're always there, and that there is nothing I'll ever face where you won't be there. You're already on the other side of this, through your crazy time traveling whatever, knowing what I'm going to go through, ready to meet me there, and even when I'm angry and trying to avoid you, there is really nothing I can do to escape you and how much you love me. For some reason, probably due to my intense stubbornness and current state of anger, this just made me even more angry. Go humans.
After that I really tried to be less angry, but it didn't help me be less sad. Everything started resulting in a meltdown. I moved a present for someone's upcoming baby shower from my living room to the bedroom, and it resulted in a meltdown. Nathan and I have had to start putting together our birth plan, and facing hard decisions, like burial or cremation and funeral//memorial details. I had the horrific realization that each time we have a doctors appointment, it could be the last time we get to hear her little heartbeat. I have several health factors going on that all together put me at a pretty high risk for early labor. Being 32 weeks along, we really have to face the realization that any day could be the day we meet and say goodbye to our little Ayden Nicole. So. Many. Tears. I started hating specific words, like funeral, service, memorial. All of them seem cruel and not what I want for my baby girl. Nathan asked me if I had thought about cremation verses burial, and if I had a preference. I told him I hated both options. Tears. Anger. Pain.
Easter morning rolled around, and it was like most other mornings Nathan and I have off together. We slept in as much as possible (made it to 7, yay!), Nathan cooked a big breakfast while I looked online at information on infant memorial services, we ate, then cuddled up on the couch and watched a few episodes of The Office. We watched the finale, which, by the way, I think is the best finale to any show I've ever seen. Ever. All in all, it was a fairly decent morning. I had almost finalized our birth plan, and sent it to my sister to look over. Nathan went to the gym, I set up our new backpacking tent to make sure our new double sleeping pad would fit in it (it does, yay!), and then I started preparing food for the family get together we were having later in the day. I usually watch Netflix while I cook, but since we had just finished the show we were watching, I decided to look up Easter sermons. It seemed appropriate, being Easter and all, and since we didn't go to church. It was right around 11am, and I found a link for a live stream from the church we went to when we lived in Seattle, Bethany Community Church, that happened to start at 11am. I decided to give it a try. It was an excellent sermon. You should listen to it. It's pretty short, not boring, and an excellent perspective on the Easter story, unique to any I'd ever heard. It focused a lot on Joseph, which most people don't focus on. Here's the link to it. They don't have that particular sermon posted at this very moment, but I'm sure it will be posted very soon. Just look for the one from March 27th.
Anyways, the sermon was excellent, and really helped me refocus my energy on something other than death. That's the point of Easter, right? Death being defeated? Easter is about Jesus conquering death. Death could not overpower Jesus. Jesus was raised from the dead. Boom. Death didn't win. And because Jesus defeated death, we don't have to fear death. I've never really been one to fear my own death, but thinking about the death of those I care about is horrifically terrifying. That's not a death I'm okay with. There was a short period of time right after Ayden's diagnosis that I started having very horrific and vivid visions of the people I care about dying. My death doesn't scare me, but the death of those around me apparently terrifies me greatly. Ever since I was a teenager, I always had this perspective that I'd die as soon as my death would accomplish more than me continuing to live. Whether or not that's accurate, it's just simply the perspective I've had. Jesus' death obviously accomplished more than if He were to continue living, considering His death resulted in paying the debt of all sins of humanity, for all time, which means we can have a relationship with God, and spend eternity with Him in heaven after we die. Ayden's death is not something I'm okay with. It isn't something I think I've fully accepted. It is still something I completely dread, that I know will absolutely destroy my heart, something that I think is completely unfair, unjust, and horrible. But she isn't ever going to experience pain. She isn't ever going to experience heartbreak. She isn't ever going to have to face a single moment where she feels unloved. She will never hear an unkind word spoken to her. She will go straight from our arms to the arms of Jesus. And that picture isn't something to be feared. Jesus died on the cross on Easter, so precious babies like our little Ayden can spend eternity with Him in heaven. She will never be afraid. Jesus conquered death once and for all, for my precious baby Ayden. My pain is honestly very selfish. My pain comes from me losing her. She does not suffer at all from this situation. Honestly, she benefits greatly. She gets to meet Jesus first. I don't think it's fair, from the perspective of being her mother, who has to face losing her...but for her, there couldn't be a better option.
Easter reminded me of how great things can come from death, despite how horrific and painful death is. It helped remind me that though losing Ayden will be the most painful thing I've ever experienced, good can still come from it. Great things can still come from it. Great things have already come from it, despite how painful it already is. And I have a choice to make. I can be angry, and dwell on my anger, and accomplish nothing, or I can choose to love. I can choose to love despite my anger, and love those around me the way I wish Ayden would have been loved. I can choose to carry out her legacy, to let her be remembered, to let her change my heart for good, and to use my pain to help others. Loving is so much better than being angry. Being angry hurts. Loving hurts too, but it serves a purpose. Anger is inevitable, but if we let it overcome us, we give in to its destruction, and inhibit good things from coming from our circumstances. It's okay for me to be angry. It isn't okay for me to let anger control me. It doesn't honor God, and it doesn't honor Ayden. Anger typically results in a lot of regrets. If I spend the rest of my pregnancy being angry, I miss out on so many things with Ayden, so much that could have been accomplished. Love conquers all. That's what Easter is. A God who loved us so much, He died to pay the cost of all of our wrongdoings. His love conquered all things. His love has already conquered my pain, even though I can't fully see it yet.
Happy Easter, everyone. Don't forget to love today. Don't live with regrets. Choose love.
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